Eaten and beaten

Award-winning Blog, running since 2004, which provides an astoundingly honest, candid and sometimes jaw-dropping insight into stand-up comic and best-selling author Janey Godley's extraordinary collection of domestic crises & marital tiffs.

2006/7/30

Tags:

life

@ 11:43 AM (24 months, 19 days ago)

My knees, lower legs and ankles are covered in hard ringed blotches that itch like fuck, because mosquito’s love my blood. During the night as I lay sheet-less on the square hard bed, 27 wee bitey mozzie’s decided to come in the dusk and chew on my flesh. I must have been a veritable feast for them; so much so, they picked up their mozzie mobile phones and called their mates to come over to the Scottish barbeque. I can just imagine their arrival at the window above my head, the maitre’d of mozzie world showed them to their table (my fat plump thighs and stocky ankles) and pointed out the juiciest flesh for their delight, then the wee nasty hungry creatures sat down to chomp. Pulling out their sharp blood sucking equipment and portable anaesthetic fluid, they set about their night long sucking. My fan hummed in the background giving them a tune to dance to as they made sure I woke up with hard lumpy boils with blood dripping from them, the chemicals they injected me with was leaking slowly out mixed with blood, creating an almost fastidious itch that makes me look like I have some psychological impulse to scratch my ankles and knees.

Other than that I am fine.

I was also bitten whilst staring at the Gaudi Famillia church. The spiky cartoon like spires, mixed with traditional gothic features is a spectacular sight. I am sure Gaudi and the mozzie’s have a relationship. One is so immersed in the view that you forget you are being eaten slowly as you gasp at the mere sight of what can only be

a ‘Storm Trooper’ from Star Wars cut in stone standing beside an emaciated Jesus hanging from a cross on the fantastic montage at the front. Maybe Gaudi really did do acid or maybe he laughs quietly in his grave as he recognises that he created the world’s biggest diversion for mosquitoes.

So this is my last day here, I went out a walk, but the humidity is unbearable. On entering the street, my body quickly became a damp sponge, I could feel my bra soak up the sweat that ran down my cleavage, my back licked my white shirt and made sure it stuck there for the rest of the day and my knickers stuck to my ass and refused to give way when I walked, making them ride up constantly and rub parts of me that should only be rubbed intimately and not in public. Nice and weird at the same time!

I am still trying to find someone to hold my video camera so I can do my ‘live blog’ but the Catalonians are fabulously rude! They are grumpy and tetchy (must be all that sweat and public chaffing of underwear). I like it, they are a bit like Glaswegians, angry, short tempered but they are far better looking.

So here I am back in my room, I cannot bear the heat and have been spent the whole day being mystified by strange sexual random thoughts, then realised that my underwear mixed with humidity has been slowly seducing me in a weird abstract fashion. I need to change.

Now I know why Gaudi designed those buildings!